I think we have to take a right here (...which obviously means left..DUH)

Recently, I started reading a book called “The Complete Idiot’s guide to Astronomy”. The book while extremely well-written and enjoyable, had me stymied in the very first chapter. The problem, you see, was wrapping my head around the different astronomical scales used to indicate positions of various celestial objects in the night sky. As the name suggests, the book is written using very simple language..but making sense of those celestial coordinates had my head reeling..

The reason for this is very simple.. I was born with a faulty GPS! I am the most directionally-impaired person I know, who takes at least five seconds to tell right from left (the hubster enjoys playing mean jokes on yours truly when I am desperately trying to figure out right from left). Trying to make sense of those scales brought back embarrassing memories of the different times this faulty GPS has caused me trouble. Why, one such incident occurred only yesterday..

Circa 2017, Pune

“Auto! Auto!” I hailed a rickshaw to transport me to my place of work, as it was extremely hot.

“Warjyala jaichai” (I want to go to Warje). Sure, hop in, says he.. as long as I can guide him to the destination. I am pretty confident that I’ll be able to do so, seeing how I go there every day. I tell him to keep going straight till he reaches the flyover. Once we get there, I tell him to take a left. He is in the wrong lane, but I ignore it, thinking that he is one of those typical rickshaw drivers who change lanes before you can say “Queen Elizabeth”. But wait! What is he doing? He is turning in the exact opposite direction.

“You have to take a left here!” I tell him desperately.

“Left hi to hai madam” (I AM turning left)

At this point, I realize my mistake and tell him to make a right turn. This has shaken my confidence a little and I rehearse the next couple of directions mentally using the which-hand-do-I-eat-with trick, before I say them out loud. Then comes another turn and my brain is feeling the strain.

“Make a right turn here.. I mean a left turn..No, no, a right turn...”  he is seriously pissed, but telepathically manages to read my mind and makes the right turn..

Thankfully my face is covered with a scarf and sunglasses, so he won’t be able to provide my description to the police......

Circa 2012, Bangalore

The hubster is visiting me in Bangalore and we have gone out for a walk. At this point, I have been living in Bangalore for three years and we are walking in the general vicinity of where I stay. Some poor blokes in a car stop us and ask us how to go Mallya hospital. The hubster has visited Bangalore only a few times and he looks at me (thinking back, it’s all HIS fault. He knew better than to let me give directions!) Another shortcoming of mine is my inability to admit that I don’t know something. I know that Mallya hospital is in the general vicinity, and genuinely think it’s on the other side of the road. I tell those poor blokes to make a U-turn and they’ll find Mallya hospital on the other side of the road. I am feeling extremely pleased with myself and we start walking. After a couple of seconds, I look up to orient ourselves and cannot help but urge the hubster to walk as fast as he can. I am practically running at this point. He catches up with me and asks what the matter is..

“We were standing right outside the hospital! Run before they find us!”

I vowed NEVER to give directions again..

Circa 2007-2008, Mangalore

Bestie and I are desperate for an onion dosa and coffee after a long and tiring day during the inter-class event organized in the auditorium of our college. Bestie is extremely tired and wants to take a rickshaw, even though the distance ain’t much. I tell her I know a shortcut which will take us to our favourite restaurant in NO TIME AT ALL. We start walking and this bestie of mine is kind of directionally impaired too, but not as hopelessly as I am.

“Isn’t the restaurant in the other direction?” she asks with some concern.

“Trust me dude, I have taken this shortcut before” I tell her confidently. (Again, looking back, she knew better than to trust me, so not my fault ;) )

We walk for a short distance and somehow magically, have circled back to the place where we started, right in front of the auditorium!

If looks could kill, I would be dead that day..(and my epitaph would read “she never quit misguiding people”, even though I actually want it to read “she drew the line at folding clothes ;) )